Disappearing

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Today (in addition to pounding out 1,000 words of a 3,000 word paper) I have applied for assistant professorships in dance at 4 universities, and started applications for 3 more.  An application generally consists of 4 or more of the following:

Cover letter (tailor-made!)
Curriculum Vitae (in which I bullet point everything I've ever done)
Teaching Philosophy (spent 20+ hours on the current draft and still don't think it covers it)
Research Interests (what, I have to research stuff too?)
DVD of choreography (Have yet to edit this one.  Hence the "started" applications)
DVD of me teaching an entire class (yeah....)
Transcripts
PDF of Diploma of highest degree attained (had to dig that one out of a box in my parents' shed)
References
Letters of Recommendation (I can't get them to write them any faster!! Help! Deadlines!!)

I've spent so much time defining myself and my life and my career and everything I think about all of it in the past few days that I'm starting to feel like I have no definintion at all.  It's kind of like saying a word overandoverandover until it becomes just the phonetic sounds your mouth makes and it doesn't seem to have meaning in your brain anymore.  It doesn't help that in doing research on all of these universities and programs, I have read dozens of bios of my potential peers and collegues that outshine any bio I've ever had like the lights at a stadium outshine my bedside lamp.  That would cause anyone to question who they are and if what they've been doing is what they should have been doing.

All my life I've been focused on this one thing and doing this one thing the best I could as much as I could and it doesn't seem to have filled out my life in to a specific anything.  I'm still expected to have more to me.

Well, you know what?  I have lots to me.  Not all of it is good.  Not all of it is bad.

So, here's a definition of all the other parts of me that don't fit in my CV.

Shaun (shän) n - 1./a human female of the independent, overly-honest type; person possessed of an innate need to share things (clothes, details, food, heightened emotional experiences, random thoughts, secrets, stories, time, etc.) and to ask pertinent (and impertinent) questions; 2./wearer of hats, sparkles, boots, dresses, and any kind of socks but the usual kind; anglophile, bibliophile, cinema-buff, balletomane, arachnophobe, sunday school teacher, late-night philosopher, lover of dogs, nephews, naps, and sweet things able to be sucked through a straw; 3./oblivious to important details, but enamored of obscurity; friend to the quirky, wierd, nerdy, or slightly disturbing, and tormentor of those toward whom she feels the most affection; a singer of songs in the shower, avid listener of NPR and CPR, Trekkie, Potter fan, and loyal admirer of the Riddermark; 4./a clinger-on to the little-supported and oft-discouraged hope that every person is inherently good, that dreams become realities when you wish for them hard enough, and that everything works out they way I want it to eventually; 5./a person for whom spirituality is a personal lifestyle, and a constant pursuit; frustrated perfectionist; recipient of constant and needed forgiveness, understanding, and benefit-of-the-doubt from God, humanity, and the driver in the next lane; 6./one for whom greatness is achieveable and excellence is demanded; 7./possessed of a family of warm, witty, wonderful, incredibly talented people she loves more dearly than she has ever found means of expressing, and wishes she could get even closer to; 8./hypocritical, tactless, impatient, selfish, insensitive, proud, snob who wonders why people can't just get along?; 9./idealistic dreamer unconscious of the impossible; --ME (see also: Shannon, Shanny-pan, Ballerina-Nina, Shaunathan, Miss Shaun, and Princess Tangent)

Note: this definition is incomplete ad infinitum, depending on how you look at it.