They Are Just People

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Lately in my life I've found that I do a lot of things out of habit.  I brush my teeth not because I enjoy it, but because I don't want to pay the dental bills.  I make an effort to be friendly not because it is easy for me, but because I want to have friends.  These might be reasons that do the trick when it comes to getting up the motivation to do the things I "should" be doing, but I'm noticing my motives aren't what I want them to be. 

Sometimes I clean my teeth  because it feels so good to have clean teeth.  Sometimes I find I really, truly, enjoy a person and their company so much that just hanging out with them is fun.  These infrequent occasions when I do something for it's own sake point out to me that the rest of the time (when I have other goals in mind) is...less than it could be.

I have worked for many years to put habits into my life that will help me to grow closer to God and hopefully become a more Christlike person.  It's taken me forever to get to where saying my prayers first thing in the morning comes naturally, and I've finally found a consistent place in my busy schedule to study my scriptures.  I love doing service in the church and holding a calling and it is easy for me to find the time in the week to do it...But I wonder if that is the problem?

Do I read the scriptures to discover the Gospel and let its doctrines distill upon my soul? Or do I do it to keep up the habit?  Do I fulfill my callings out of love for God and the people I serve? Or do I do it to "be a good person"?  Do I pray to my Father in Heaven because I really want to involve him in my life? Or am I just saying the routine words, going through the ceremony with no meaning behind it?

I've been working so hard to get all these things to be easy to do--to make them a natural part of my life--that I think I've forgotten their purpose.  Getting to where these things are easy to do has also made them somewhat half-hearted and routine.  It's not easy, it's hard to do these things.  The point isn't to become a person for whom it is easy to do the things I "should".  The point is to really do them. 

God never expected anyone to get to the point where all the things on the list were checked off every day; as if that were some sort of measurement of perfection. He wants us to love Him and to love each other.  That feeling isn't check-off-able, it's a state of being.  A musician can't just play the "A" in tune, check it off, and call it good. She has to play each note in tune throughout the whole symphony.  Tuning the "A" helps with that, but it isn't the point.


I was listening to the Moth podcast yesterday, and a woman told her story about growing up as an Evangelical/ Mary Kay consultant. She described her days spent finding women who looked as though they could use Mary Kay products and finding people who needed to be saved. She said that at one point in her life she realized her entire existance was as a salesperson: either signing people up for Mary Kay or bringing people to Jesus; that she didn't look at people as people anymore but more as things needing to be fixed; as consumers needing a product.

As an LDS person, that is one thing that I have always been afraid of: that I am sharing this wonderful thing in my life with people out of some kind of duty, rather than out of sincere love for them. 

So, in thinking about it from this perspective, I am realizing that it's not my job to change people or fix people.  Not everyone has the Gospel, but the point isn't to get them signed up, baptized, and checked off, as though that would make them "ok" now.  The point isn't to convince the world.  The point is to love them. 
That, I think, takes a whole lot more work, a whole lot more thought, a whole lot more time than what I have been thinking of as "missionary work"; but people don't need to be fixed.  They need to be loved.

They are just people, and I need to love them. 

I'm Done!!!!

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Done!  Officially done! Absolutely and in all other ways....GRADUATED.

I almost can't believe it, and it had been getting pretty annoying to have to say whenever anyone asked "are you glad to be done?", "I'm not quite finished yet..."

Almost is my least favorite word.  It perfectly describes all the aching pain of the last two minutes before you get to go home; that last forkful of cold vegetables before you can have dessert; the last couple of dollars in your bank account which don't quite cover your car payment that month; making it all the way through auditions only to be passed over for the other girl (which has happened to me more than 3 times).  Yup.  I hate almost.  It spoils everything.

So....Now after a billion projects and papers and assignments and errands I finished before I walked in my commencement ceremonies, and the 3 papers and one final project to turn in this last week (I e-mailed off the last one at 11:19 this morning) I am FINALLY FINISHED!!!!!!! .

I am going to bask in the glow for a bit.  I have other things that need doing, for sure (like submitting my own grades for the classes I taught, and cleaning my room) but bodily, mentally, emotionally...I just need a rest!!!

So here's to a quiet evening at home with the BBC :)

Ballet MFA grads!!!
(Sorry, It's the best picture I had.  You want a better one? Buy me an actual camera, so I can stop using my phone ;)

Choice

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My ability to choose is the greatest thing I have. 

Though I have been taught this my whole life, I find I still misuse, misunderstand, and neglect this privilege.  I try to give it away.  The problem, I think, is that I don't want to choose my actions from day to day...I want to choose the results from those actions.  I don't want to make choices and hope they bring me happiness...I want to be told which avenues to persue to bring me the things I want from life.  I want to be sure of the outcome before setting my course.  Though this might be a good thing in some situations, I'm not sure I am applying it well in the one I'm in now.

I really want to have a family (though I frequently wonder if I would even be capable of handling thinking about people besides me that much), but I don't want to make a "mistake" in finding my future husband.  I love my family the way it is, step families and all, and I couldn't ask for a better one--but I am terribly afraid of getting divorced someday.  I am paralyzingly occupied with finding the "right one"; so much so, that I think I'm looking for someone else (namely, God) to tell me when I've found the right one.  I think I am hoping that I will meet someone, and come to be so sure about him that it isn't even a question anymore wheather I should marry him or not.  That isn't right.  I need to choose for myself.  Love is as much about faith and work as it is about butterflies and romance. 

Yet, at the same time, I know how difficult it is for me to make good decisions regarding dating relationships.  I have frequently talked myself into relationships that aren't right because I really wish they were.  I don't like being alone, and I really would like that "next phase" of my life to start soon, but I don't want my eagerness to make my decision for me anymore that I want my fear to prevent me from making it.