Judas Iscariot

.
Does it ever seem like everyone in the world hates you?  I actually get this feeling often, and being super sensitive to the opinions of others, and having a phobia of disappointing people, this feeling can get quite heavy sometimes. 

So, rather than dwell on the fact that I feel like the person everyone wishes would leave so that life could be happy again, I'm just going to cathartically type: "I Feel Like The Person Everyone Wishes Would Leave So Life Could Be Happy Again" and tell you about this awesome, amazing, beautiful, play I saw on Saturday.  (It actually ties in a little, too.)

It's called "The Last Days of Judas Iscariot"; put on by the seniors of the Actor Training Program in the theatre dept. at the U.  The premise: a trial on behalf of the man who sold out the Son of God for 30 pieces of silver.  Does he deserve forgiveness?  Or should he remain in the 9th circle of hell?

The ensuing action was an amazingly scripted (warning: language is extremely foul), beautifully directed, passionately acted debate on the nature of God, Justice vs. Mercy, Theology vs. Atheology, Forgiveness and the worth of a human soul.  It was actually really interesting, well researched, and well argued, but it was also heart-wrenching.  It presented many perspectives I hadn't thought of before, like: why Judas might have approached Caiaphas, what kind of apostle he had been--the good that Jesus saw in him, and the fact that he too had a mother.  I don't think the audience breathed through the whole thing.  I, myself, was moved to tears several times.  This play caused me to really question myself.  Do I really live my life in a Christian way? 

The actor who played Jesus at one point addressing the audience said that many people ask "Where are you God?" but that He in turn asks: "Where are you?".  He said "I am the guy standing outside asking you for change so I can go and get high."  He said many other things, but this part of his solioquy really struck me.  I realized that Christ's commandment to "feed his sheep" is not just to teach me mercy, or humility...but to tell me that if I want to be where he is, I need to be with his people; his children.  I should be loving them the way he does, and that is the way to be with him and feel his love.

But I don't.  I am too critical of others and I realized that I often look down on people like Judas; people who do things that are "unforgiveable" (or even less than that).  But what is forgiveable and what isn't? The point of the play is that just like Judas, we all betray the people we love, God most of all, but he still loves us and is begging us to turn to him for help and forgiveness.  I petulantly cry for people to forgive me, to give me the benefit of the doubt or understand that "I was just having a bad day", but it is so hard for me to shed feelings of anger when I am on the recieving end. 

I need to stop being afraid of letting people into my life.  I need to stop worrying about the injustice of things that are done to me and holding on to the bitterness of my own hurt.  I need to start loving the people it's hard to love and letting go of the things I don't want to.  Rather than worrying if people like me, I should live my life worrying about what God thinks of me.