The Best Part of the Day

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I am not very good at writing.  But I have a little journal that I try to write in every day (or so) what the best part of that day was.  In general it's turned out to be a pretty good outline of my life and what I value--which are the two things I'd like to express to the world, really.  So here's a blog on that vein:

At work today the Snow pas de deux from the Nutcracker came up on my Christmas shuffle.  There are few pieces of music that thrill me as much.  I sat enthralled at my desk, unable to move, remembering all the times that music had filled me with adrenaline when I watched the ballerinas perform it from backstage; then later, when (miracle of miracles) I was so honored with being able to dance the Snow Pas myself.  Now, I just listen from my desk at my regular old day job and yearn with my heart to be more a part of that music--remember the times when I was.  But it's not realy a sad or regretful yearning; not an aching.  It's more like a fine tuned appreciation of Tchaikovsky's musical genius.  All my experiences have built associations with each note, and the emotions called out from me by the music are all the more vivid because of it.  Joy and longing. 

After work I went to my mom's house and watched Love Actually.  Sitting in the basement with my folks with a dog curled up in my lap like old times made me think about the path I've taken from there to here.  When I was a kid my life was my family.  Time at home was saturated with the intertwining habits and emotional cycles of these same few people.  Now I am just me and I have a lot of space and time by myself.  I have the ability to choose where I will be at any time now that I have a car and no curfew.  A bigger difference: everyone else has their own life now, too.

My realization was this: I came to love my family even through--and a lot because of--the time we spent around each other; but now I choose to be with them.  I try to show them I love them because, I really need them to know that I do.  And I really need them to love me back.  (This is why I don't write.  I never make sense when I just spew). 

We all need to be loved, but love is never an involuntary thing.  I don't have to love my family (I know plenty of people who don't), I want to love my family.  I choose to love my family--even though they say things that hurt me, or do things that are frustrating, or embarass me, or ignore me (heaven knows I've given them the same grief twice over), because they are...just inexplicably important to me.  They are amazing people.  When they hurt, I hurt for them.  When they triumph in their lives, my happiness is greater.  When I have time to spend, I want to share it with them.  I love my family. Though I'm coming to see that that statement is as much of a resolution as it is a declaration. 

Now that we are all fully formed individuals our schedules--and our personalities--don't mesh as easily anymore.  When I was a kid there was never any question whether or not I got along with my sister; it was required, and spats were resolved before bedtime, thank you very much.  Now we are all fully capable of not liking each other; and being well within our rights to do so.  It's an interesting freedom to grow into, and I find myself wishing for the days when it was...easier...when there wasn't really another option.  But now that the connections we make with each other are more voluntary, they have different meaning.  They are more valuable.

So, on a Friday night when I am dog tired and should really be home practicing for the flute piece I have to play on Sunday, and filling out my Student Evaluations that are due tomorrow, and preparing my binder for Rigoletto, and cleaning my bathroom, and going to the gym...

when I could be watching a movie with Tammi, or going to the Utah Ballet show that closes this weekend, or attending a west coast swing workshop...

I want to by in my parent's basement, chilling in front of a movie, eating pizza and drinking cream soda while making fun of the stinky farting dogs.

Yup.  It's part of life for me.