Pickles and Cinnamon Cake

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I'm sitting here eating my late-night-after-grad-school-and-work dinner of leftover soup, pickles, and cake.  Along with the frightening prospect of all the things I have still to do this week, running through my head is Prov. 3:5-6.  Sometimes, that's all you can do.

This weekend has been one of the most important of my life.  Along with being crazy busy (total hours of sleep over 5 days: 20, papers written: 2 midterms taken: 1, costumes made: 28, shows put on:1, hours spent studying: ummmm....), I've learned so much.  My brain has been swimming around all these thoughts, and everything that's happened, and even though I'd never be able to put it all into words, I have to express my utter feeling of awe at this moment.  I have been so blessed.

Though I think trusting in God is good, I think the most important thing I've learned this weekend is that he is trustworthy.  He really knows me.  He knows what I want from life and what I need to get through it.  The more I think about it, the more I see what a gift that is.  I want to always remember that.

Guy Drawing a Tree

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When I started this blog, I sort of un-officially made a deal with myself that I wouldn't post a pic. on here unless I had taken it myself.  Therefore the pic you get today is one I took walking up to my car after school one day.  I'm assuming this guy is an art student.  He had his earbuds in, so I didn't feel the need to disturb him to ask for permission to take his picture.  (sorry random art student!)  I thought it was kind of ironic, in a way, me taking a picture of him making a picture of a tree.  Now all we need is someone behind me doing a performance art piece that symbolizes the layers of me, and the guy, and the tree. 

I walk past this tree every day, and of course every day it looks a little bit different.  So, if you see this tree pop up in subsequent blog posts you can think about the symbolic meaning of the tree changing, and yet staying the same--the cycles of life, and the fleeting nature of a moment.  (hmm.  I guess now I don't completely hate Monet's haystack series) I reminds me of the old addage about the constance of change.

But I think, even though there are changes in our lives, there are things that will always stay the same.  I will always have the friendship and love of some certain people in this world, whether they stick around through the changes in my life or if that friendship remains bright only in my memory.  The work that has been accomplished in building that friendship doesn't go away, though it may be set aside for a time.  I think this is true of most relationships in my life: sisters, friends, step-parents, step-brothers, co-workers, dance partners, and those few guys I have dated that I actually still have respect for. 

I was thinking about this yesterday: how I am greatful for the guys I've been privileged to get to know and learn things from by dating them.  Some of them have come along at crucial points in my life, in time to teach me things I needed to become the person I am.  I also thought about those "best friends" I had at one point, but lost touch with.  Miss you guys, but I still love you (Liesel, Charity, Katrina, Sarah, Tee, Liz, Laura, Trevor, Carrie-Ann...ah! so many people I've lost touch with! if you're not on this list, it means I still consider myself "in touch" with you ;)  I always love those times when my sisters are my best friends.  Those come and go, just like the seasons, as we're each in different places in our lives (and the country).

And I don't want to downplay this (or cheapen it), but I am really greatful for the relationship I've built with my Father in Heaven.  For me, sometimes it's like those friends you have because they are the ones who keep calling you, but sometimes I've been the one reaching out for help from Him.  That is when I've gotten to know Him the most.  That is one relationship I'm greatful will always be there.

So, I guess the question is: "if you were a tree, what tree would you be?"

Me:  "um,  that one"

Smurf day!!

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It seems like we're all about theme days and dressing up, here at the Ballet Dept.
I can't wait for Halloween.
Here we are on Smurf day!! (9.23.10)

Yes, I am the bluest one. :)

Wobbly Chair

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Update: Last Tuesday (the 7th) was the "2nd Showing" for Ballet Showcase.

Normally, there are only two showings before the facutly in charge of the show selects which pieces will actually be performed.  However, since Bene (the Ballet Dept's intimidating, exacting, and rather upredictably unorthodox Chair) is the Artistic Director for this Showcase, there were three (rather inconveniently) scheduled showings.  Since the 2nd and 3rd showings were only 3 days apart (not enough time to make any significant changes) I asked my dancers if they would be alright with me missing the 2nd showing, so I wouldn't have to give up a whole day at work.  I was greatful for their understanding as I am, after all, a starving college student and need all the work I can get.  However, in this case not taking off work was a bigger mistake than I'd ever considered it would be.

After the first showing, Bene had put everyone in a "show order".  My piece, "Liberarse", was slated to close the show-- a decent spot to earn, if I do say so myself, and I was greatful Bene put such trust in the piece.  Showings are run in show order, so my piece was the last to be seen at the 2nd showing.  I suppose after 3 hours of sitting and watching all the other pieces, my dancers were rather cold, and I wasn't there to whip them in to shape or give them a pep talk or anything....whatever the reason, Bene was displeased with their performance (to say the least!) and minced no words in telling them so.  I heard from many eyewitnesses that she drilled them, in classic Bene fashion, through parts of the dance she thought weren't "latin" enough.  A few girls were actually pushed to tears. 

Now, it is not unusual (as anyone in the UT ballet scene knows) for Bene to make people cry, but all the same, it seemed inappropriate to me.  And for the sake of the girls, I was upset.  I feel that it's really my job as choreographer to rehearse my dancers, and it is Bene's job as AD to decide whether or not that's good enough.  If she wanted to take issue with anyone it should have been me. 

In any case, the next day a new show order was posted.  My piece had fallen from the honor of show closer to a non-descript place in the middle of the first act somewhere. (hmmmmgrumblemmm....)
Neither I or the dancers were able to get together between the last two showings to clean the piece (it is rather difficult to get 16 people's schedules to align), so we ran it through once before the final showing on the 10th and went into studio 40 crossing our fingers that she wouldn't cut it entirely.

At the opening of the piece the girls got off the music and all started dancing at different times...I ran to Bene and asked her if we could start over, but was denied.  The dancers kept going, energetically, if a bit nervously, moving their hips and striking their poses.  After it was all over Bene leaned forward in her chair stony faced and menacing and said "You girls have given me a problem,  it was too good!  It was so much better, that now I have got a problem".  Then she smiled really big, threw her hands up in the air and stated "It was wonderful! Thank you!"

The next day she had re-arranged the show order and we were back to the closing slot.  One lesson I've learned in grad. school (over and over...and over...)  is that you just never know with Bene.

Thanks girls for doing such a great job and conquering through adversity!!! ;)

The show is being performed at the Marriot Center for Dance at the U Sept 30-Oct 2.  Evening performances are at 7:30, and the Saturday Matinee is at 2:00.  Come if you can!!

I can always talk to my mom

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Spent the day today reading a lot of people's blogs and though I know I shouldn't compare myself to other people, I find that I haven't quite found the courage to be open about my personal thoughts and feelings in my blog.  This has a lot to do with the fact that I have another blog that I keep just for myself; to write the things that I need to say to someone, but can't say to anyone.  It's taken me a while to be completely honest in that one too, so I'm hopeful for similar progress here.

I've been thinking about my mom a lot lately.  She and I are very similar and, as a result, sometimes clash with each other.  We're both really stubborn and say what we think, yet we're both really insecure and can get hurt easily if a comment hits a little too close to home.  Lately I think I've been a little less understanding of her than I feel I should be, so I thought I'd take the afternoon to make a visit.

Though it probably wasn't the best time for me to visit, what I love about my mom is that she always makes time for me.  Even when she's in the middle of a crazy busy time at a shoot, she'll always answer my phone calls, even if it's just to say "I can't talk right now! I love you! Bye!".  Today was no different. 

I took the opportunity to just spill my brains out at her so we could pick over all the things I've been thinking about recently: where I am going in my career and my dating life and why I feel they're mutually exclusive right now...feelings I'm trying to sort through...past experience...you know: mushy girl stuff.  She's always good at setting my head straight after I've scrambled it all up over-analyzing things. 

She also shared with me a piece of her own history that she thought would help me not regret my own.  Looking back on things is always hard.  It can often be such a big picture that looking forward seems so exhausting; like there is so much to handle it's just overwhelming.  But the moral of the story is: life is messy.  It's hard, and it sucks, and no-one has the experience of things working out "just as they should".  The important thing is to do the best things - what you know to be right - for now.  Things work out the way they should in the end, but the middle is what we have control over, and that is where our fortitude is needed.

Then we watched videos on YouTube and laughed at people's posts on FB.

I love my mom.

Full Days

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Thursday: I Begin my morning at 8am with my "Reading Dance" seminar.  I really like this class.  It gives me the opportunity to read, write, and discuss the history and philosophy behind my art without being a ginormos drain on my time.  The discussions we have in class are usually pretty good (as long as we all stay on-topic and take turns).

9:40am Technique class.  Our instructor for the first 8 wks of the semester is Calvin Kitten, former principal dancer with the Joffrey Ballet in Chicago (retired 3 weeks ago, so he's in amazing shape.  mezmerizing to watch demonstrating things).  He has an insane amount of energy.  It's good to have that much motivation coming from the front of the room, but it's a lot to handle sometimes.  Getting my left foot back in shape has also proved more difficult that I'd anticipated.  It's regrettable mostly because Calvin's classes are so fun (dang hard, but fun) I hate having to sit out of center.

11:35 Class ends, and I frantically run upstairs to try to squeeze in some more reading (and some lunch) before my next class.

1pm Writing for Publication.  Quite the superfluous class for a ballet major; this class is essentially a workshop for those writing their masters or doctoral thesis.  Since my major is project based, the professor doesn't really know what to have me (and the 2 other ballet grads) do for our assignments.  Still, I'm learning a lot about how to publish in scholarly journals and how to be a better writer (and getting assigned close to 100 pages of reading each week. boo.).

2:55pm  Speed-walk across campus

3:05pm Pointe with the 3290 level.  It's actually going fairly well.  The girl's seem to be trusting my corrections more and I'm hopefully getting a better sense of what they need from me.  Working up to renverse, back pique attitude turns (Giselle Act I), and sequential arabesque turns.  They love me right now (sarcasm).

4:30pm Sports Psychology (finally, a class I can wear street-clothes to!).  I love this class.  Not only is my professor incredibly smart and witty, she seems to be genuinely interested in us as individuals and invested in our education (rather than our grades).  We have really great discussions on the application of the material we're learning, and I think I'll be able to use a lot of it in my teaching.

7pm Meet my awesome sister Malorie and chat as we walk across campus to the inaugural performance of the Utah Wind Symphony (of which my brother-in-law and several other of my friends are members).  It was a really cool concert.  A few very moving pieces on the program: O Magnum Mysterium by Morten Lauridsen, and James Barnes' Third Symphony.  The final piece listed in the program was Sousa's Black Horse Troop, and I was really looking forward to hearing a Sousa I was unfamiliar with, but they faked everybody out and played Stars and Stripes instead.  Disappointing.  Still, I love randomly adding artistic events like this to my days.  Not only does it make me feel like I'm actually appreciating the world I spend so much time studying, it's just kind of cool to go to many different places in the course of my day.

9:30pm Head home while drinking my daily dose of refreshing Gatorade.

12:30 Bedtime!! after doing such studious and responsible things as homework, e-mailing, scheduling rehearsal times, tooth-brushing, tidying my room, and texting friends :)

Life is good. Love being busy!

~~*Shaun

New Shoes

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2am posting...I am anticipating something fantastic! (sincerity)

Actually, I really like days like today.  I got to see an awesome movie, and anyone who knows me knows that I get really into movies; I jump when the aliens attack, I scream at the people about to turn the corner into the chainsaw murderer, I give relationship advice to the people in romantic comedies who will obviously get together anyway without my help....

So when I see an awesome movie, it can really color my life for a few hours (or days in some cases).  Today I finally watched Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World in an effort to catch up on my summer movies.  I loved it.  Laughed the whole way through, and just marveled at the creativity of the whole thing (are we looking at the birth of a new genre?).  It did a great job of sucking me in to the "life" -or not- of the modern hipster punk scene.  Made me feel like a twenty-something without a care in the world; no attachments to anything more meaningful than weekend plans and the few friends floating around in this same life that manage to cling to you like fuzz on corduroy pants - but in a good way.  Soundtrack was amazing, but looking into buying it on itunes, I find two versions: the "original score" and the "soundtrack".  Not really sure which one to buy?

It's interesting to me how much I heard growing up that video games inhibit the development of imagination (among other cognitive activities), but it's been a while since I've seen something more creative (and clever!) in a theater.  There definately is a culture surrounding gaming, and it seems to be growing it's own version of artistic self-expression (paradoxically within the context of the games created by someone else). 

It's also interesting to see a new stage in human development forming in our society: "not-hood" (older than adolescent, but not yet requried by responsibility and caring about the future to step fully into adulthood).  It truly is the ideal stage of life for an -ok let's be honest- selfish individual.  You're not confined by the under-age-ness of adolesence, and you're not tied to a spouse or kids, career, mortgage, student loans, future building...so you have the freedom to do whatever you want with whatever resources you have.  A lot of fun, but it still seems kind of empty.

I guess now that I'm 29 (happy birthday me) I'm getting further away from the sort of crowd that is too cool to care but instinctively knows what is "in" and what is blase'.  My own adolesence, or not-hood, has been extended somewhat.  I am in college and single, so it's not too much of a stretch to feel for a night like part of the world where nothing exists beyond the immediate, and the parts of life surrounding "being grown-up" still carry a little bit of glamour or mystery.  It's a fun sort of indulgence.



But hey, I bought some new shoes tonight, and I think they're pretty awesome :)