Last Week of School part 1

.

Singing Final

I've been taking singing lessons this semester from one of the opera students taking a pedigogy class.  It's been really cool, but somewhere about halfway through it Michelle informed me that part of her grade would be teaching me in front of her class.  That meant that I would have to sing in front of a room full of vocal performance majors (AHHH!!!). 

Don't get me wrong, I love to sing and I think I can do it fairly well in the shower or in my car, but I get the most horrible stage fright if I'm doing it by myself in front of people, especially in front of people I know.  I've had horribly embarassing experiences at professional auditions (for "dancers who sing") that have only solidified that feeling and therefore I have been dreading this experience all semester.

Monday was the big day.  The classroom in Gardner Hall was fairly small, filled with desks crammed close together with a very small space between the piano and the front row (at least from the perspective of a person very insecure about her singing).  When I came in I greeted several people I knew from working the opera last season--people I knew to be very strong singers, and who I was anxious to appear competent in front of, (especially since I hope to be working with them again this spring).  I sat in the front row with Michelle and tried to focus on good things.  When it was her turn to demonstrate her pedigogical skills we stood up and she warmed me up a bit with the exercises we'd been working on all semester.  I did pretty well, I think, though I got a little nervous when we started lower than I usually do, and didn't get high enough to go through my pissagio. 

Then it was time to sing my aria.

I started out ok, fairly strong, but about 8 bars in my throat started to close up (kinda like it does when you feel like crying).  The more I could hear the weakness in my voice the worse it got.  I tried to focus on my breathing and all the things we'd been working on, and I even brought some of my sports psych mental exercises in to try to calm myself down.  When I got to the climax, I hit my first "F" fairly well (at least on pitch), but the 2nd was just horrible.  I totally kaked it and just stopped singing.  My teacher rushed over and immediately tried to bolster my confidence.  We did some breathing and some onset exercises and my voice came back a little, but going back to the aria I still could barely sing.  I got so anxious I started feeling dizzy and lightheaded.  Eventually I had to completely turn away from the class and just focus on the music with my teacher standing behind me supporting my back in order to finish.  Quite embarassing.

Strangely, I still really love to sing, and I'm still excited about it.  I was elated that I had made it through this obsticle, even if it was with tons of help and by the skin of my teeth.  After I sat down someone sitting behind me tapped me on the shoulder:  "keep singing!" he said "seriously, you have a beautiful voice".  Several people behind him agreed and a lot of the girls I'd worked with on Dialogues came up to me after class and complimented me too.  Whatever kind or quality of voice I do have, I hope someday I'll at least be able to use it in front of people the way I can just by myself.