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As they say in Texas: "if you done it, it ain't braggin'". Well, I'm bragging about something I didn't do today. I didn't make it any worse.
I'm sure most of us are a little sick of sweet things to eat right now, and can feel the Christmas fallout sinking in...a little to much dessert, a little too much shopping stress, lots of party cheer and noise, not a lot of sleep...and we're probably realizing the wisdom in the "less is more" mentality.
I've never been very good at denying myself things that I want (especially if they are covered in chocolate) but lately the things I want have been conflicting with each other. I want to be happy now, but I also want to be happy later. I don't want to be alone now but I also don't want to be alone later. So often that later takes careful building and planning, and it's necessary to wait through the boring, lonely, or painful to get there, and that means self-denial (crap!). If I give in to my desire to have the exquisite taste of home-made chocolate-dipped toffee on my tongue now, even though I am stuffed to the brim and have eaten too much dessert, my later is going to feel a lot more queasy and be a lot more susceptible to cavities that it would otherwise have been. Likewise, if I indulge in something that might feel like the right thing now but that I really know is kind of wrong, my later isn't looking to promising.
Cryptic-ness aside, whatever this little analogy might mean to you, for me it applies to my seemingly endless quest to shed my single status. It's hard to be alone anyway--it's boring, it's painful--but when everyone else around me seems to be part of a two-some; when everyone else is able to move forward in that aspect of life and do that work that is (every holiday movie will teach you) the real reason for living, my own life feels maddeningly and helplessly incomplete.
In that state you can see how easy it might be to wrap yourself up in something now that really isn't what you want later. But today I didn't.
I didn't send an e-mail, I didn't write a text, and I didn't get on an airplane to Fargo at 8:35pm. For me these are achievements; a bit painful and hard-won, but small successes in their own way. They are the building blocks for the later I hope to have someday.
Fargo? Hmmm. Well, I know there's someone out there whom you'll find and who will love you dearly. I agree, it's enjoyable and sustaining to be in a good relationship, but it is better to be temporarily (if seemingly eternally) single than to be in a relationship that is damaging or just doesn't quite make it.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that it took me this long to get to this (been neglecting my internet lately).
ReplyDeleteSo here it is: A) I'm sorry. I know how much you wanted to go on that flight. B) I know how much Fargo wishes you were there. C) I am in awe of the insight that both you and Fargo have in this matter. I think you are making the right decisions and are a million better steps in the right direction than you think you are!
To build off of what Kelly said (and having been there myself) coming to the end of a relationship is a very painful thing. I could have avoided the pain if I had stopped to consider His hand in the plan, and I think on some level I knew at the time that it wasn't the right choice, but it was good in the "now" at the time and therefore I went with it. Years later, fights later, self-confidence lost later, financially ruined later...We realized that the "Later" was what we should have considered.
So let me stand, and raise a glass to my friends, who are much smarter than I was and are willing to have the faith that I didn't! Bravo!!
I know the single thing sucks...believe me, I know! BUT...Not everyone is in a two-some! :) I miss you friend! Call me anytime!