Last Week of School part 2

.
The Worst in Me

I am taking a class called "Pas de Deux Methodology" that has been an annoying thorn in my side since June. I signed up for the credit over the summer because I wanted to graduate this May, but fitting 62 credit hours into 4 semesters just isn't possible. It's one of those courses that is kind of independent study and is sort of supervised by the graduate advisor and sort of by whomever of the professors is teaching the Pas classes. That's where the problem starts. The graduate advisor went on sabbatical, one of the Pas professors retired, and the other one was fired, so there you go.

I had planned on finishing the course over the summer by observing classes at the Ballet West summer intensive, but I couldn't get anyone to explain to me what I needed to do. Eventually the supervision of my education in Pas work fell to *sigh* Bene, the department chair.

I was really not excited about this.  I decided to go to my committee for help and so put off really doing anything about the class until I could meet with them in the fall. When I finally got them all together, we put together a plan to propose to Bene that one of my committee members (who actually has extensive Pas experience) supervise me based on the requirements of the Pointe Methodology class.  Then came the bad news: the classes I was to observe had to all be in the same semester, be taught by the same professor, and there had to be 12 of them.  Though I had observed about 7 over the summer I had only done 2 in the fall (have I ever mentioned that I'm busy?)  There were only 10 classes left in the semester at that point, so I resolved to buckle down and just go to every one.  Unfortunately, I had forgotten that I would be missing one of those classes for Thanksgiving break, so I crossed my fingers that 11 would be ok.

Wednesday was the day before the last Pas class.  I was sitting in the new grad office finishing up some e-mails before leaving for another class when another of my fellow grads walked in.  This particular grad is amazingly experienced.  I really have no idea why he is a graduate student rather than teaching somewhere at a prestigious school.  He has so many qualifications I figure that the diploma is just a formality to allow him to apply for university positions.  He's a very good teacher--though he does get nervous sometimes--and it is obvious he's recieved very good training.  He's teaching a ton of classes for the U as part of his TA-ship and among them are the Pas de Deux classes. 

He sat down at the desk next to mine and greeted me.  We chit-chatted and joked for a while and then he non-chalantly mentioned that I didn't need to come to class the next day, that he would just sign my paper for me.  I was a little bit confused, and I thanked him but said that I needed to come because I needed to get 12 observations in .  "You don't understand" he said "I'll just sign for you".  I tried to explain my situation to him and to tell him that coming and observing was as much for my advisor as for my own benefit in learning things I would eventually be writing about.  Again he insisted that I didn't need to come, that if it was papers I needed, he'd just sign one for me. 

Long story short, that was the beginning of a hugely confusing, frustrating conversation turned shouting match in which the worst in me met the worst in him.  He accused me of being stubborn, disrespectful, and dishonest and told me that if I wanted to come to his class I'd have to get the chair to make him let me.  I shouted back at him that he was the one being stubborn; that I was not dishonest, I had a great repect for him as a teacher, I had no idea why he was being so mean to me, and I wasn't going to talk to him any more.  Then I left. 

I was so upset I was shaking.  I had no idea why he was trying to close his class to me (which he technically can't do according to university policy) and he seemed to mis-understand my motives in coming to the class at all.  I could barely see through the tears in my eyes and I had no idea what to do or where to go.  In my ramblings I ran into two of my professors.  One of them suggested that perhaps my fellow grad was intimidated by having to present his final project in front of the class and his professor while I was there, that it might be better if I just didn't go and petitioned the advisor to the course to accept fewer observations.  The other one said I that my fellow grad was absolutely wrong, that I was definately going to his the class the next day and that she was going to talk to him about it.

An hour later, I got a phone call from the second professor who said that my fellow grad was afraid that I would be disrespectful during his presentation as I had been throughout the whole semester and that was why he didn't want me there.  Though I was hurt and offended at this, I was only mildly suprised. 

The previous week he and another student and I had been having a conversation in which he told me that he felt I had been disrespectful to him all semester and sighted a list of reasons why.  The things he said I had done were valid, I had done all of them only once or twice in the 10 days I had attended his class, but I had not considered them to be offensive (such as eating in front of him and the class, or not letting him know which days I would be coming in advance).  I had told him I was sorry I had offended him, that it was not my intention, and that I would not do it again.  That is why I was suprised that he sighted my potential disrespectful behavior as his reason for barring me from his class.  I was also fairly saddened that if he had felt so disrespected he had not talked to me about it earlier.  I had considered him a friend and do truly have a respect for him and his experience as an artist and teacher, now I'm not sure if I will be able to have the same relationship with him I once thought I did.

I know I have a tendency to give offense to people without realizing.  Many times the things I say come out in a way I don't intend them to, or I say things without thinking first, but I never intend to actually be offensive.  I'm just thoughtless; spacey.  I hope that once people get to know me they understand that I am just oblivious to things sometimes and choose not to take offense when they realize I don't mean it.  At the very least I thought--until wednesday--that people would confront me with their issues and give me a chance to apologize and change.  (I hope anyone reading this who has been offended by me will accept my heartfelt apology as well).  I guess everyone is different.  I need to just try harder to be sensitive to everyone else's perspective. 

My professor (who is on my committee) then told me that she wouldn't require that I have 12 observations, that 10 would be ok if I didn't want to go to the class the next day.  She then offered to be a mediator between the other student and I to assure that there would be not further misunderstandings and to clear the air between us.  I told her that I would rather not go to his class if it would be ok and that I would like to meet with the two of them to settle things between us, but that I didn't think I could calm down enough to do it before the end of the semester.

This is just another reason why I will be so glad to graduate.  This has been a very stressful week.