.
I was recently--and poingantly--reminded of how much my Father in Heaven really does look out for me, so I thought I'd share.
I have loved my institute class this semester. I've learned so much, and had so many sacred experiences, that I've never wanted to miss a class (though there have been plenty of excuses to). This class has completely changed how I look at the scriptures; especially the Old Testament.
Yet...somehow, my teacher and I have not always seemed to get along. Some of his teaching methods (Socratic) bug me a little, and sometimes I get the feeling he doesn't appreciate my comments in class (I tend to speak my mind without thinking about it first). A week ago, he reacted to one of my comments--I thought--a bit sarcastically, and I was really hurt by it. This week, for the first time, I considered skipping class for some much-needed sleep, because I was still a little upset. I did end up going, though, because I felt the need to have some spiritual time in my crazy stressful schedule, and I figured that the Spirit could teach me through anyone, if I took the trouble to listen.
The scripture thought that was given before class was Ether 12:27. It kinda hit me hard. I realized that the reason I was upset was because my pride had been hurt, and that I was the one closing myself off to the Spirit by inulging in pride and self-pity. I could barely look up through the lesson as I struggled to let go of my indignance and humble myself to just learn what Bro. Schank had to teach. I spent most of the class writing notes and my own thoughts on how to school my feelings.
After class, Bro. Schank asked why I had been so quiet. "I just have a lot on my mind." I said. He accepted the answer, and I was about to leave when he stopped me. He told me that he really appreciates the comments I give in class; he felt that they were always very thoughtful and insightful. He also said that he thought I really seemed to get what he was trying to teach in his lessons. I was suprised, but my heart told me that he had been moved by the Spirit to share this with me. I realized that this was in answer to the unspoken prayer I had had in my heart while I was writing. I had wanted to feel that my presence in class was welcome, and I had wanted to be able to let go of the hurt I was holding on to. Bro. Schank's admission washed away my bitter-ness, and I felt that Heavenly Father wanted me to know--through his words--that I was worthwhile.
I felt very cared for at that moment. It reminded me of the words of a hymn:
And Jesus, listening, can hear the songs I cannot sing.
My Heavenly Father knows me so well, and he knows just what I need. I can't go in to all the detail of why this answer to my prayer was so perfectly what I needed at that moment, because I'm not that skilled as a writer (and I need to go to bed), but I can say that it was tailor-made for what I was thinking about and feeling. It amazes me how much God loves me, and how much he cares about me and my little personal struggles. He really knows me. After days like this, I wonder that I ever doubt that.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Loving the Opera
Rehearsals for L'Incoronazione di Poppea are now in full swing, and it is awesome to be able to work with such talented and wonderful people. Really, the singers are so warm and friendly--and just beautiful to listen to. Who would have thought that 350yr-old music could still give me goosebumps?
Jeffrey Price, our musical director/conductor is a bastion of musical knowledge and ability. I learn something every day from him. Today, it was the correct accenting of hemiola in a score that was written with no time signatures. Our production crew, Stage Manager Heather Meyers and ASM's Ryan Smythe and Passion Garcia are truly dedicated to the production. It is a joy working with them. (and sharing caramel corn, umbrellas, and akward moment stories ; )
Most of all, I am inspired by our director, Michael Scarola. It is rare to find such a genuinely warm and caring human being. He is teaching me so much about how to encourage the artistry in each performer. He never criticises anyone, but pays them the compliment of regarding all their actions in rehearsal as artistic choices. He discusses these with the singers and offers them ways to "play" or to challenge themselves with their acting rather than trying to control or micro-manage the development of their character. He has a great eye for how to get things working well onstage and a great sense of who needs to be gently guided forward in their progression as an actor, and who needs a little more of a kick!
Michael has been very encouraging to me too (something I've been needing at the end of a very stressful school year!). When he took a short hiatus from Poppea to jump into Arizona Opera's Abduction From the Seraglio at the last minute this week, I took over running rehearsals. The cast did great work while the director was away, and were very open (and patient!) with what guidance I felt I could give them. I was nervous for him to come back and see the small changes we'd made as things smoothed out a bit. I normally would not presume to change blocking the director had specifically set, but there was a moment between Nerone and Poppea that just wasn't working. When Michael saw what we had done with it, he loved it! He said he'd been thinking about that moment all week, and that what we had done to change it was exactly what he was planning to do. I was so greatful for that validation, and for the trust he put in me.
All-in-all a very successful evening, even with the crazy weather.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
A Reason
.
In the words of Samwise Gamgee: "There is good in this world, Mr. Frodo--and it's worth fightin' for!"
In the words of Samwise Gamgee: "There is good in this world, Mr. Frodo--and it's worth fightin' for!"
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Teaching Practicum
.
Done!
Monday (that was yesterday, right?) I taught my practicum. It was fun. I wasn't as nervous as I thought I would be. I made one blaring mistake, (Really, who sets ballones to a 6/8? it's so obviously a 2/4 step.) but otherwise the class went really well. I got lots of good feedback from my professors who attended, I think I carried myself confidently and maybe even educated a few people while I was at it.
On to the next!!
Done!
Monday (that was yesterday, right?) I taught my practicum. It was fun. I wasn't as nervous as I thought I would be. I made one blaring mistake, (Really, who sets ballones to a 6/8? it's so obviously a 2/4 step.) but otherwise the class went really well. I got lots of good feedback from my professors who attended, I think I carried myself confidently and maybe even educated a few people while I was at it.
On to the next!!
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
On to the Next (And the Next)
.
(Insert your favorite overwhelmed noise here)
Life is meant to be lived, and I am doing so many exciting things, but I'm feeling sad I don't have the time to spend with the people in my life I think are really awesome: new friends, old friends, family...This is my quiet shout out to you. I wish I could be more present in your lives right now, but here are the reasons I am going to disappear for the next 9 weeks:
Final Practicum: I am teaching a technique class to the freshmen on Monday. I have to have each combination planned with 2-3 overarching themes and/or purposes they all build up to. Meticulously planned, researched, and spelled correctly (in French), this class should represent everything I've learned about ballet pedigogy in my Grad career.
Oral Examination Materials: Though my orals aren't actually scheduled 'til May, I have to have a binder for each of my committee members containing my process papers, notes, documentation, reports, paperwork, DVDs, etc. for all my projects and choreography on March 28th to give them time to read through and grade it beforehand. I guess I should finally write those papers, huh Adam?
OPERA!!!: L'incoronazione de Poppea rehearsals start March 28. I am so excited!! Though I will be spending 25-30 hours/week outside my normal schedule working on this production, as AD and choreographer, I have a significantly larger role this year than last. In addition to recording blocking, taking notes for the director, and coordinating with the awesome Stage Manager to make sure rehearsals and produciton run smoothlly, I'll be choreographing a small dance scene as well as create some of the blocking for supporting characters. Yup, actual directing type stuff.
Grad Show: Opens the week before Poppea and as un-official general manager of the production I'll be coordinating fundraising/casting/tech rehearsals and other produciton business as well as choreographing my final work as a student at the U. Ah! I still have to sell add space for the program. Anyone want to buy an advert?
Find a Job!!: I've submitted 16 applications for employment, but I have not recieved any notice so far other than "thank you for your application". (I think I can, I think I can....) Needless to say, an ongoing project.
Teaching: The Musical Theater (MTP) students are a blast to work with! I'm creating the combinations for their final practicum demonstration to faculty of the Theatre and Ballet Depts. (also: don't tell, but I'm plotting something special for April Fool's day ;) TDC kids are going strong through competition and recital season! They're working really hard even with all the stress and injuries. I'm just working to keep them strong...and safe :)
Search Committee: As the Graduate Student SAC I am privileged to sit on the Committee to find a new Chair for the Ballet Dept. It's giving me new insight on my own job search, but mostly, I'm just really excited to be able to help find someone who will benefit the future of this Dept., its students and faculty, and lead them in a positive direction.
School: It's hard to believe that on top of all this I still have things to do, but I am taking actual classes this semester that still have papers, projects, quizzes, and finals to worry about. (yay.)
Now for my favorite thing: My institute class is incredible. Awesome. Awe-inspiring. Each time I go I learn something that makes me wonder how I could have been so ignorant to the wealth of light and knowledge God has given us. I never realized the Old Testament could teach me so much about Jesus Christ. It has been overwhelming and life-changing, and I am so glad it was the one class that worked with my schedule.
If you are reading this, I love you! I miss you! I'll be back after May 6!!!
Life is meant to be lived, and I am doing so many exciting things, but I'm feeling sad I don't have the time to spend with the people in my life I think are really awesome: new friends, old friends, family...This is my quiet shout out to you. I wish I could be more present in your lives right now, but here are the reasons I am going to disappear for the next 9 weeks:
Final Practicum: I am teaching a technique class to the freshmen on Monday. I have to have each combination planned with 2-3 overarching themes and/or purposes they all build up to. Meticulously planned, researched, and spelled correctly (in French), this class should represent everything I've learned about ballet pedigogy in my Grad career.
Oral Examination Materials: Though my orals aren't actually scheduled 'til May, I have to have a binder for each of my committee members containing my process papers, notes, documentation, reports, paperwork, DVDs, etc. for all my projects and choreography on March 28th to give them time to read through and grade it beforehand. I guess I should finally write those papers, huh Adam?
OPERA!!!: L'incoronazione de Poppea rehearsals start March 28. I am so excited!! Though I will be spending 25-30 hours/week outside my normal schedule working on this production, as AD and choreographer, I have a significantly larger role this year than last. In addition to recording blocking, taking notes for the director, and coordinating with the awesome Stage Manager to make sure rehearsals and produciton run smoothlly, I'll be choreographing a small dance scene as well as create some of the blocking for supporting characters. Yup, actual directing type stuff.
Grad Show: Opens the week before Poppea and as un-official general manager of the production I'll be coordinating fundraising/casting/tech rehearsals and other produciton business as well as choreographing my final work as a student at the U. Ah! I still have to sell add space for the program. Anyone want to buy an advert?
Find a Job!!: I've submitted 16 applications for employment, but I have not recieved any notice so far other than "thank you for your application". (I think I can, I think I can....) Needless to say, an ongoing project.
Teaching: The Musical Theater (MTP) students are a blast to work with! I'm creating the combinations for their final practicum demonstration to faculty of the Theatre and Ballet Depts. (also: don't tell, but I'm plotting something special for April Fool's day ;) TDC kids are going strong through competition and recital season! They're working really hard even with all the stress and injuries. I'm just working to keep them strong...and safe :)
Search Committee: As the Graduate Student SAC I am privileged to sit on the Committee to find a new Chair for the Ballet Dept. It's giving me new insight on my own job search, but mostly, I'm just really excited to be able to help find someone who will benefit the future of this Dept., its students and faculty, and lead them in a positive direction.
School: It's hard to believe that on top of all this I still have things to do, but I am taking actual classes this semester that still have papers, projects, quizzes, and finals to worry about. (yay.)
Now for my favorite thing: My institute class is incredible. Awesome. Awe-inspiring. Each time I go I learn something that makes me wonder how I could have been so ignorant to the wealth of light and knowledge God has given us. I never realized the Old Testament could teach me so much about Jesus Christ. It has been overwhelming and life-changing, and I am so glad it was the one class that worked with my schedule.
If you are reading this, I love you! I miss you! I'll be back after May 6!!!
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Just one more
.
I was just thinking...
On my bedside table is a picture of me and my mom, taken when she and Kelly were both randomly in NYC. I drove up from my little town in rural NJ and we all ate at cafe Fiorello's across from Lincoln Center. I spent the night with them in their hotel and drove back to work early the next morning. A quick trip, but for me, living 4,000mi away from home, it was some much needed family time.
That picture is held in a beautiful beaded frame given to me for my birthday by Laura Mackay--a gorgeous blonde with impeccable taste and above average intelligence who I was lucky enough to share meals and Grey's Anatomy with when we both danced with the Roxey Ballet.
The pearlescent frame was given to my by my surrogate family in New Jersey, the Schwantes. Leland was our company manager, an amazingly humble and charitable human being that made life in a job I hated worthwhile. He taught me the secret to success in life: "he who has the most fun, wins!". Anne, a spitfire personality and excellent actress, was our queen in Cinderella. She had the same shoes as Cher, a sneaky pink streak in her hair, and her humor always cheered me up. Their two boys, Connor and Beau, danced at the Mill School where I taught and were just as sweet and gregarious as their parents.
For a long time I couldn't find a picture worthy of such a gorgeous frame, but when I took out my endowment, I bought this picture of the Jordan River Temple to comemmorate the day. The colors are stunning, and so are the memories.
The decorative boxes were a Christmas present from my favorite sister, Kelly. That year I spent by myself because I couldn't afford to fly home from Chicago. I made Grandma's German pancakes Christmas morning and opened my presents by myself. Kelly knew how much I was enamored of trinkety boxes, and she sent me this set filled with inspiring quotes written on tiny slips of paper. It was the best present I got that year.
The table is full of memories too. It was a gift from my first roommates in Chicago. At the time I had absolutely no furniture, and was sleeping on clothes and blankets folded on the floor. This small piece was very much appreciated, and I've carted it around with me ever since, even when I've left all the other furniture I'd acquired behind.
The rose that sits there currently is from a very dear friend on the occasion of my "big show". I had spent so much time putting Le Coeur Jeune together, and put so much of myself into it, it became much more than just a performance to me. I was so nervous on opening night, but this sweet gesture made it much easier to smile and nod when I had to.
The black lamp I bought at Ikea with Malorie and Cid. What a great day! 4mo Cid was just getting used to his vocal chords and would announce his presence in each new fake room with the most adorable squeakings and squawkings. I had to get the black shade because it goes so well with the picture on the wall.
The sharpee drawing on the wall behind my bed is a print of my favorite Kelly picture. I tell everyone that it was inspired by me, but maybe that's just wishful thinking. It's one of only 5? in the world, and I think it's breathtaking. I greets me everyday when I come home to sit in my bed and type away at my mountain of papers.
It's amazing what little things can carry such weight. This set-up (or some configuration of it) has sat beside my bed everywhere I have moved in the past six years, and has almost come to personify what I think of as "home" for me. Many thanks to those of you who have contributed :)
Here's to the next place I get to call home. (may I find you soon!)
I was just thinking...
On my bedside table is a picture of me and my mom, taken when she and Kelly were both randomly in NYC. I drove up from my little town in rural NJ and we all ate at cafe Fiorello's across from Lincoln Center. I spent the night with them in their hotel and drove back to work early the next morning. A quick trip, but for me, living 4,000mi away from home, it was some much needed family time.
That picture is held in a beautiful beaded frame given to me for my birthday by Laura Mackay--a gorgeous blonde with impeccable taste and above average intelligence who I was lucky enough to share meals and Grey's Anatomy with when we both danced with the Roxey Ballet.
The pearlescent frame was given to my by my surrogate family in New Jersey, the Schwantes. Leland was our company manager, an amazingly humble and charitable human being that made life in a job I hated worthwhile. He taught me the secret to success in life: "he who has the most fun, wins!". Anne, a spitfire personality and excellent actress, was our queen in Cinderella. She had the same shoes as Cher, a sneaky pink streak in her hair, and her humor always cheered me up. Their two boys, Connor and Beau, danced at the Mill School where I taught and were just as sweet and gregarious as their parents.
For a long time I couldn't find a picture worthy of such a gorgeous frame, but when I took out my endowment, I bought this picture of the Jordan River Temple to comemmorate the day. The colors are stunning, and so are the memories.
The decorative boxes were a Christmas present from my favorite sister, Kelly. That year I spent by myself because I couldn't afford to fly home from Chicago. I made Grandma's German pancakes Christmas morning and opened my presents by myself. Kelly knew how much I was enamored of trinkety boxes, and she sent me this set filled with inspiring quotes written on tiny slips of paper. It was the best present I got that year.
The table is full of memories too. It was a gift from my first roommates in Chicago. At the time I had absolutely no furniture, and was sleeping on clothes and blankets folded on the floor. This small piece was very much appreciated, and I've carted it around with me ever since, even when I've left all the other furniture I'd acquired behind.
The rose that sits there currently is from a very dear friend on the occasion of my "big show". I had spent so much time putting Le Coeur Jeune together, and put so much of myself into it, it became much more than just a performance to me. I was so nervous on opening night, but this sweet gesture made it much easier to smile and nod when I had to.
The black lamp I bought at Ikea with Malorie and Cid. What a great day! 4mo Cid was just getting used to his vocal chords and would announce his presence in each new fake room with the most adorable squeakings and squawkings. I had to get the black shade because it goes so well with the picture on the wall.
The sharpee drawing on the wall behind my bed is a print of my favorite Kelly picture. I tell everyone that it was inspired by me, but maybe that's just wishful thinking. It's one of only 5? in the world, and I think it's breathtaking. I greets me everyday when I come home to sit in my bed and type away at my mountain of papers.
It's amazing what little things can carry such weight. This set-up (or some configuration of it) has sat beside my bed everywhere I have moved in the past six years, and has almost come to personify what I think of as "home" for me. Many thanks to those of you who have contributed :)
Here's to the next place I get to call home. (may I find you soon!)
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Judas Iscariot
.
Does it ever seem like everyone in the world hates you? I actually get this feeling often, and being super sensitive to the opinions of others, and having a phobia of disappointing people, this feeling can get quite heavy sometimes.
So, rather than dwell on the fact that I feel like the person everyone wishes would leave so that life could be happy again, I'm just going to cathartically type: "I Feel Like The Person Everyone Wishes Would Leave So Life Could Be Happy Again" and tell you about this awesome, amazing, beautiful, play I saw on Saturday. (It actually ties in a little, too.)
It's called "The Last Days of Judas Iscariot"; put on by the seniors of the Actor Training Program in the theatre dept. at the U. The premise: a trial on behalf of the man who sold out the Son of God for 30 pieces of silver. Does he deserve forgiveness? Or should he remain in the 9th circle of hell?
The ensuing action was an amazingly scripted (warning: language is extremely foul), beautifully directed, passionately acted debate on the nature of God, Justice vs. Mercy, Theology vs. Atheology, Forgiveness and the worth of a human soul. It was actually really interesting, well researched, and well argued, but it was also heart-wrenching. It presented many perspectives I hadn't thought of before, like: why Judas might have approached Caiaphas, what kind of apostle he had been--the good that Jesus saw in him, and the fact that he too had a mother. I don't think the audience breathed through the whole thing. I, myself, was moved to tears several times. This play caused me to really question myself. Do I really live my life in a Christian way?
The actor who played Jesus at one point addressing the audience said that many people ask "Where are you God?" but that He in turn asks: "Where are you?". He said "I am the guy standing outside asking you for change so I can go and get high." He said many other things, but this part of his solioquy really struck me. I realized that Christ's commandment to "feed his sheep" is not just to teach me mercy, or humility...but to tell me that if I want to be where he is, I need to be with his people; his children. I should be loving them the way he does, and that is the way to be with him and feel his love.
But I don't. I am too critical of others and I realized that I often look down on people like Judas; people who do things that are "unforgiveable" (or even less than that). But what is forgiveable and what isn't? The point of the play is that just like Judas, we all betray the people we love, God most of all, but he still loves us and is begging us to turn to him for help and forgiveness. I petulantly cry for people to forgive me, to give me the benefit of the doubt or understand that "I was just having a bad day", but it is so hard for me to shed feelings of anger when I am on the recieving end.
I need to stop being afraid of letting people into my life. I need to stop worrying about the injustice of things that are done to me and holding on to the bitterness of my own hurt. I need to start loving the people it's hard to love and letting go of the things I don't want to. Rather than worrying if people like me, I should live my life worrying about what God thinks of me.
Does it ever seem like everyone in the world hates you? I actually get this feeling often, and being super sensitive to the opinions of others, and having a phobia of disappointing people, this feeling can get quite heavy sometimes.
So, rather than dwell on the fact that I feel like the person everyone wishes would leave so that life could be happy again, I'm just going to cathartically type: "I Feel Like The Person Everyone Wishes Would Leave So Life Could Be Happy Again" and tell you about this awesome, amazing, beautiful, play I saw on Saturday. (It actually ties in a little, too.)
The ensuing action was an amazingly scripted (warning: language is extremely foul), beautifully directed, passionately acted debate on the nature of God, Justice vs. Mercy, Theology vs. Atheology, Forgiveness and the worth of a human soul. It was actually really interesting, well researched, and well argued, but it was also heart-wrenching. It presented many perspectives I hadn't thought of before, like: why Judas might have approached Caiaphas, what kind of apostle he had been--the good that Jesus saw in him, and the fact that he too had a mother. I don't think the audience breathed through the whole thing. I, myself, was moved to tears several times. This play caused me to really question myself. Do I really live my life in a Christian way?
The actor who played Jesus at one point addressing the audience said that many people ask "Where are you God?" but that He in turn asks: "Where are you?". He said "I am the guy standing outside asking you for change so I can go and get high." He said many other things, but this part of his solioquy really struck me. I realized that Christ's commandment to "feed his sheep" is not just to teach me mercy, or humility...but to tell me that if I want to be where he is, I need to be with his people; his children. I should be loving them the way he does, and that is the way to be with him and feel his love.
But I don't. I am too critical of others and I realized that I often look down on people like Judas; people who do things that are "unforgiveable" (or even less than that). But what is forgiveable and what isn't? The point of the play is that just like Judas, we all betray the people we love, God most of all, but he still loves us and is begging us to turn to him for help and forgiveness. I petulantly cry for people to forgive me, to give me the benefit of the doubt or understand that "I was just having a bad day", but it is so hard for me to shed feelings of anger when I am on the recieving end.
I need to stop being afraid of letting people into my life. I need to stop worrying about the injustice of things that are done to me and holding on to the bitterness of my own hurt. I need to start loving the people it's hard to love and letting go of the things I don't want to. Rather than worrying if people like me, I should live my life worrying about what God thinks of me.
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